I can scarcely remember not having a seemingly interminable to-do list. This weekend we’re going to coat the basement floor, to get rid of the icky gridwork left behind after the asbestos tile and mastic removal. Then we can finally allow all of the junk to submerge back into the basement. Hopefully we can enlist some help from D’s friends. (Fingers crossed.)
Before the house renovation we moved. Before moving there was the home-buying. Insurance scouting. A dozen purchase contract revisions. Inspectors Inspectors inspectors. The wedding. House-hunting. Wedding planning. These last two took a lot of time and research and cross-referencing. Many assured me that I was enjoying these tasks and that they were "fun." They were wrong. It’s work. I’m willing to work. I have my moments as a go-getter! But really my natural equilibrium is not so ambitious. I am laid back. Honest. I’m just not as laid back as D. So it has fallen to me to assume the mantle of pace-setter in our home. Sometimes that’s ok. And sometimes I just want to scream. Being the captain of the ship isn’t all barnacles of fun. Nor does the crew obey, let’s be honest.
Sometimes I don’t want projects. The girl inside me stamps her foot. Sometimes I want to read one of the many books on the shelf, purchased ages ago. Sometimes I want to curl up in front of the XBOX with Yuuki. I haven’t been able to pick up where I left off in Fallout New Vegas since before we bought the house. Or Enslaved. Or Left4Dead2. At this point I’ll have to re-teach myself the controls again. Sometimes I want to sketch or paint. I can’t remember the last time I felt like I had time. Trying to teach yourself Japanese black ink painting is something that requires both patience and time … unless I can find a workshop down here in Cincy. (Now there’s a thought!) I have made a point of keeping dance a priority, I still don’t go on Thursdays in Cincinnati, where I live, I only go on Wednesdays, in Dayton, where I teach. I’m practicing, though not pursuing. This is a small difference, but still it makes me slightly sad. Still, keeping it a priority has saved me from feeling like I never get out. That’s sort of true. I still sort of feel like I never get out.
Of the many activities on the backburner, lately I had been idly mentioning getting back into yoga. Yoga was so beneficial to me and my achey-breaky back after the car accident, but I just stopped making the time to go. Started making excuses. But I recently was kicking the idea around again. It took awhile to find a yoga studio that isn’t either specifically geared to people who don’t have a day job, or specifically geared to people who like practicing yoga in a sauna. This area of Cincy is hugely trended to hot-yoga. I know, I know, people love the hot yoga. It’s not for me. My goal for my practice is now, first and foremost, to get back in touch with myself, to quiet my mind, and to stretch out this rickety body. I don’t want to “challenge myself” or sweat into a deluge all over the place, slipping and flopping on my mat like a landed porpoise. Maybe one day. But right now I just want to devote an hour or so a week turning my eye inward.
Last night was my first foray into the Cincinnati yoga-sphere. I haven’t maintained a proper practice, have not practiced at all in about a year. After all this time, it was difficult just to get into these poses. But walking out to the car I felt a quietness. A tranquility, if you will forgive me for using a sneer-worthy word. All of my agitations and disappointments and to-do lists didn’t vanish like magic, but they receded into white noise. So often they are at the forefront of my mind, and I must constantly push my way around them. The customary discomfort and tightness that has settled into the valley between my shoulder blades was gone. (It ached later, but still, for a time, there was peace in the valley.) I went home and cleaned the kitchen, girded with a glass of red. Back to the to-do list so soon? you may say. Well there’s always something to be done, isn’t there. But last night I was able to let go inside of my frustrations and disappointments related to all things left undone and half-done, and poorly done. I was able to just be. And it feels like its been a long time since I have felt so well.
“The greyhound has caught the rabbit. You have nothing left to prove. No one left to impress. You can now just walk…softly and happily through the rest of your life. ” Urban Samurai : The Infinite Finish Line
Summation: So I’m back in yoga now.